julia yermolenko
julia yermolenko
julia yermolenko
julia yermolenko
your name, everywhere. stuck to the walls with white tape. your name printed neatly on it. every where i turn. i look at these things that youve created without the presence of me, without anything that has to do with me. without me. your name…becoming the sounds in my head. all of these voices, arguing in me. around me. i cannot stand it anymore. i have to cover my ears and my eyes but i still see it and hear it. saying goodbye….is not natural. not for me. i can say goodbye, but never forever. i run from the room in tears, but im dragged back in. you crush me and crumple me with the way you turn away from me. with the way you tease me when you look at me and i think that it means something. with the way you flourish without me. i love you julia i love you i love you i still need you and now i want to die because it wont be okay ever and i will never ever be “saying goodbye” to you. everything is colored with YOU color. everything in my life is worthless. everything about me, atleast.
yes, julia, i moved on for a bit. i thought i was well. i thought everything was going to be okay. but i realize more and more by the day that i do not live for myself. i am everyone’s play thing. i am their toy. their doll. i love me, and i cherish me but mostly for the reason that i try to be a good friend and i try to love everyone with all of my heart. i guess i cant find much else in me to cherish. there isnt much, its true. my parents tell me all the time that im not going to get into college because im failing math. if i could make a future out of being a nice person then i think id pass with flying colors. however, none of that matters. your personality doesnt get you anywhere. especially when no one cares long enough to support you.
yes, ive only lived 18 years of life. but i figure after this things just get worse. theres more loss and more tears and trouble and more downhill things and im not sure that i want to try and learn from those again and again and relive this cycle over and over until i drop dead some day. that doesnt sound like a life worth living. i tried to learn from this and look where i have landed. i havent changed since birth. ive been this child from day one out of the womb. id say i dont want to change, to be honest. and its almost because of the unchanging love for myself that i want to die. i love myself and no one else does. i love myself but its good for nothing. i love others and its good for nothing. so i think maybe i give up now.
in conclusion, im just tired. im tired of life and im tired of me. im tired of failing over and over. im tired of picking myself up millions of times. i am tired of trying to let go of people that i know i will never let go of. im tired of reliving the feelings of regret and loss. i am tired. ive become weak.
kyle - ive only known you for a little while. but i cant thank you enough for being there for me and talking to me when i had no one else. thank you for trying to cheer me up and telling me i deserve happiness. thank you for telling me that im adorable and sweet and cute. thank you for being the most wonderful friend. you are too sweet. i know you make all of your friends really happy and you help them feel empowered. im so glad youve seen me the way you do.
erin - its sad that we have become awkward. sometimes we talk like old times in history class. but i know you hate me because of something. i dont know. when we were kids our friendship was weird. i think you hated being my friend. but i’ll always love you for growing up with me.
sean - you are so funny. you are one of my best best friends. im so glad youve been my friend. im so glad that youve seen in me what ive hoped some boys might. you make me feel empowered as well. ive loved sharing the same interests with you. i love love talking about military things with you and history and xbox games and everything thats awesome. you are my movie buddy forever. i wish we could have seen all of those sci fi movies that were going to come out this summer. one day, some girl that is even more cool than i am will love you back and make you really happy.
bree - you’ve always been that connection with me. we dont talk as much as we did when we were both friends with julia. why are you always so sweet? even though i know whatever it is that youve been going through seems enough to totally beat you down, you still continue and you still help others. i think you are so inspiring and beautiful. dont ever stop going, okay?
catalina - i miss you and i still love you. i havent talked to you in almost 2 years. i dream about you every night. i’ll still never know what went wrong.
ashley - thank you for scaring me into loving scary movies c; ~ i’ve never forgotten watching “dead silence” at 2 am in your dark basement omfg. i’ll never forget our jesse mccartney obsession in 4th grade. you were one of my best friends since kindergarten. you are very pretty, do you know that? i wish we could have still been friends too.
shawn - you were a really good friend to me. i wish we hadnt grown apart after you went to college. i sort of kind of regret not giving you a real chance freshman year. i never told you that. i was just scared. and i didnt know what to do. but you were so funny and chill and you gave me rides home and i miss last year i guess.
miranda - you are so funny and sweet and an incredible artist. i was so so honored to be in your new media project. you’re gorgeous. that day in january when you sat with me while i was crying has forever stuck in my mind. also once you walked with an umbrella and me in the rain with my tears and that was really nice of you. i wish we could have hung out more.
alex, emily, heather, jenna, katie - you guys are so so funny. i cant thank any of you enough for sitting with me at lunch every day and cheering me up and being super wonderful people. you are all going to go very far. you all have such wonderful open personalities. youve all been there for me and there for hugs and you have no idea how much i appreciate it.
all of you sweethearts on tumblr - you are all beautiful people. i think most of you are just like me. if only we could all be friends and have each other to lean on. why are the best always the farthest away? its stupid. i love you all. youve all cheered me up in some way on bad days. thank you so much for that.
& steven -
what do i even say? what can i put here?
i love you so, my baby doll. my adventure. my love affair. you are something else. you have no idea of your power. you are so beautiful and kind and hilarious. youve been beaten down and its beaten me down watching you getting beaten down. one thing i wanted above anything else was to meet you once. but maybe its better that we never will meet.
ive never loved a boy as much as ive loved you. as a friend. and as a BOY. and i never even touched you. love can stretch miles, thats for sure. you were the one left in my life thats known my quirks and my craziness and weirdness and you never seemed to mind it. you were those 5 hour chats until 5 am. you impacted my life so much, you have no idea. it made me beyond happy that i never really scared you away. last summer was my favorite summer of all time.
maybe by doing all of this, sacrificing my love and my heart, it will give you wings. and you will be happy and find some peace. i wish you EVERYTHING in the world. i wish you everything because you are everything and you deserve everything. whenever i talk about you my thoughts jumble so much so im just going to leave this and say i love you love you love you love you i always have loved you and i will love you in my dreams for the rest of time. i think we would have been the most beautiful pair to ever walk the earth.
l o v e y o u . always. all of you.
